Fightful Dream

Why is it that when I dream about my husband, I always dream about him and me fighting. Out of all the dreams I had of him, when he was still living with me and now that he isn’t, I always dream of him and me fighting over something, its very rare for me to dream about him and me happy, it only happened twice or thrice in the whole 5 years that we have been together / known each other.

It usually was about him being or flirting with other girls. But its irritating that every time I get the chance to be with him, even just in my dreams, we are never intimate or just happy. But tonight my dream is especially irritating because I dreamt that he already came home for vacation from Singapore. It started out great, no girls, I dreamt about him, Nike and myself. But all of a sudden everything turned sour. He got mad at me for being a Bad Mother and a Bad wife because I wasn’t spending time with him and our daughter. While most of the time in that dream I have been running around looking for them. I can never seem to catch them. And the only time I was able to catch up with them was when he was already very upset and want nothing to do with me.

Why is it that I always end up crying or hurt when I dream about my husband? Is it my fear of losing him? Or is it because our relationship is so perfect that my brain is creating these stories just to spice things up, not that our marriage is not spicy because it definitely is. What is it with Noel in my dreams?

Extreme Sadness and Anger

I was on the second floor of some building, waiting for Noel, just patiently waiting. It was like a video that I’m watching. I saw him arrive on a van with my mom. My Mom stepped off the van, and Noel, who was driving the van did too. He took of his windbreaker and he jumped back in the car, but this time he sat on the front passenger seat. Kharen, an old highschool friend, sat in the drivers seat. That’s when it all happened. I felt uncomfortable and uneasy, and then, the car started at such speed that I knew that it was going to crash. And after a blink of an eye the van was ransacked and Noel was inside. I couldn’t move, all I could do was stare, I was so afraid of what I would find out. I stayed glued to the floor, waiting, patiently waiting for Noel to emerge from the wreckage.

(PHOTO FROM: orankutanki - DEVIANTART.COM)

Suddenly a movement, I saw a hand reach out from under the cars debris. Then the worst news arrived, my sister, shocked from all the events, and panting from running up a flight of stairs told me, “He is dead, he didn’t survive, Noel is dead”. My world crumbled like I’ve never felt it crumble before. I was filled with so much sadness and so much anger that I just needed, I wanted to kill someone.

I ran, I ran as fast as I could towards the wreck, not to see my husband but to run toward Kharen, the person responsible for my husbands death. I ran towards her and I wanted to kill her, I will kill her, I will choke her to death when I reach her. She saw me coming and ran, she ran for her life. I keep running and running towards her and just when she was within my reach she got away. I stopped running and cried.

I was inside a car, on the way to a vacation house with my sister, my family and my high school friends. I can control the weather, I envisioned small whirlwinds forming right next to my friends’ car and there they were. I will have my revenge. I formed 5 small whirlwinds that followed the car to wherever we were going. I had it hide somewhere a bit, before I destroy Kharen.

(PHOTO FROM: kibasuki)

We got to our destination and Nike was there climbing the stairs, I hurried toward her, held her hand and I cried. I thought of Noel. I missed him, I was ballistic and extremely sad. I came closer to Kharen and with all the hate in the world I told her “I HATE YOU.” Then I woke up. It was all a dream, a very bad dream.

Usually our dreams are our ways of expressing our pent up emotions and the small things you see through out the day that you take for granted. For example, I dreamt about Kharen because I know I saw her picture yesterday in facebook, and that image was pushed farther back from my consciousness, Noel was there, well, because I always miss him and I try to push that emotion back so that I would not feel sad. The emotions anger and sadness are usually hand in hand. I got a bit sad yesterday because of a particular event that I have been hoping for that did not happen. So when I fell asleep my brain created this whole story that incorporated the emotions and things that I saw that I try to set aside. Its my body’s way of releasing what is killing me inside.

all in all I am glad that it was just a dream, it felt good to wake up and see my daughters smiling face. But what will I dream about tomorrow? 

A Weird Dream

I woke up around 30 minutes ago, Nike and I slept a bit late last night. Anyway I wanted to write this very weird dream while its still fresh in my mind, it was probably the weirdest most realistic dream I felt in along time.

The setting was a mixture of some other persons old house and our house in Pasig. We were all rushing to take a bath because we will be late for school (weird yeah?!) So I just finished taking a bath and was fixing myself, beautifying and all that — you need to take note that I’m doing all these in somebody else’s house, then the doorbell rang and someone called me telling me that Allan was waiting for me downstairs (Allan Garcia was my crush when I was in grade 6 - he was in grade 5 but we were the same age) I remember hurrying up to get dressed and I wanted to put make up on but there was no time, so I dabbed my Maybelline pressed powder on my face and I wanted to put lipstick on but my lipstick slipped through my fingers and fell on the ground, I hurried down the stairs and went on the front door. Now the setting of this part of my dream has transformed to my parents house in Pasig. So Allan was standing outside the gate, and I asked him to come inside. The reason he came over was to borrow my books and notes for Chemistry and 1 more subject that I couldn’t recall. I remember telling him that my notes wouldn’t be much use to him because the teaching styles of both our teachers are much too different. Then like in every dream, that scene vanished. 

The next thing I remember was I was walking up the stairs, I’m hearing voices through the window, its like a phone conversation between Noel and another girl (weird thing is I can hear the voice of the girl from the other line, while Noel was talking to her over the phone) So I got curious and went inside the room where Noel was, he had his back from the door and when I came inside he barely noticed, so I can hear giggling, I can even hear them talking about TUNA, LOL. Anyway I came closer and Noel noticed me and immediately unhooked the phone. Then I asked him who that was, I was jealous this time, and he got angry, he said he was tired of me, he feels like he is on a chain and something like that and wants to be free, he kept yelling at me, I felt so awful, jealous and broken hearted and I stepped out of the room feeling defeated.

The next scene of my dream probably was a few months after because I was with a new guy - I don’t know who this guy was, but he was tall, and he looked sort of like a Hollywood actor. Anyway we were walking around somewhere and he had me on piggy back and he said — This is it, I guess I should ask here Will you __ Me — In my dream the words “Marry” seemed taboo, it was forbidden to be mentioned. Anyway, in my dream, when the actor dude asked me to Marry him my thought suddenly jolted back to Noel because I still loved him, and suddenly he was watching us (the Hollywood Actor dude and me) and listening on our conversation. The actor dude asked me again, this time he put me down from the piggy back and kneeled down in front of me flashing me with a ring that I don’t remember what it looked like and said again “Will you __ Me”, I remember feeling torn and surprised and I said Yes, and I saw Noels face fall.

The next scene I remember I was kissing this actors mouth and I felt it, I remember feeling the kiss so vividly, like it was real. We were kissing for a long time when someone called me because there was someone calling on the phone for me. It was Cherry — Noel’s sister. She was telling me that Noel really didn’t mean to break up with me, and that all these is just a big mistake, and that Noel still loves me and is heartbroken that I accepted the actor dudes proposal, she was also telling me that Noel said that he wanted to break free a little because he felt like he was being smothered but he didn’t want to break up, blah blah blah, and I just kept on listening to Cherry and when I was to answer her back, I suddenly woke up.

LOL, it was the weirdest dream ever, because I don’t usually dream about guys that I don’t know, and the situation on the dream seemed so weird, but it felt so real, every touch and every word seemed real. And it was weird because usually when I dream about Noel, its usually like he has another girl on the side and I just end up feeling upset and I cry my eyes out in my dream.

Anyway, thats it. I have a really creative mind, did you know I have a dream everytime I sleep and I often remember them when I wake up and just forget them as I go about my daily activities. So I have an idea. Starting today I will document every dream I have, everyday, that way I will have something to write about on a day to day basis, besides my private thoughts and feelings you will now be able to read about my private dreams.