Hawks Eye

Being a mother, I realized a lot of different stages in raising my daughter. Today I realized something really good and relevant.

I remember when she was younger, every time we leave home to spend a day at a playground or at a place that Nike can mingle with other kids, I would usually tail her like a dog. Guiding her every step and making sure that no harm comes her way, thats what parents does, most especially mothers. We would like to make sure that our children are safe no matter where she goes, what she does and whom she plays with. We often feel defensive when our children get hurt or want to yell at those other kids who pushes our own, whether we admit it or not, this happens, we just often take control of our emotions and approach other children with caution and respect to their parents.

Today I realized that even though I tend to keep a watchful eye at Nike, I now have the peace of mind to leave her at the play area of McDonalds for a short while, while ordering food for us, this is something I never would have done when she was still a lot younger. Although while in line at the cashier I tend to look over my shoulder every minute to make sure that she is still there and that no one is giving her a hard time.

Then today, I sat to a table that’s a bit far from the play area, also something that I don’t usually do. I usually sit at the table nearest the slides so that I can make sure that no one can take her or push her or just so that she can see me every minute that she is playing. But I also realized that even though I tried to give her the chance to play on her own and be independent, as a mom, I cannot resist looking over wherever she is to make sure she is safe. I call out her name when it takes some time for me to have a glimpse of her. And even though I can see her from a distance and I was busy reading a magazine, I feel myself glancing towards the play area every few minutes to make sure she’s Ok. I felt like I was a hawk on a hunt for predators.

Maybe eventually I will learn to trust my daughters instinct and be more comfortable letting her play without my guidance or overseeing, but until that day I am here to make sure that no one can harm her. And maybe even when she turns 18 or even 30 I will still be continuing to look up and look for her just to make sure that everything is Okay.

She will always be my baby girl and nothing in the world can change that, it doesn’t matter how many birthdays come and go. I will always be her mother, a mother that wants only the best for her child.

It Gets Easier

As the days roll into weeks and the weeks roll into months, I realize one thing - the distance between my husband and myself gets easier to deal with. When I think about him, when I miss him, I no longer cry like I used to. When I remember things that we used to do, it doesn’t make me want to just sit in corner and mope, instead I learned how to appreciate the things we used to do and smile when I remember. Yes there are moments that I feel hollow and empty inside and there are moments that I feel like I want to hold his hands, touch his face or play with his hair, but those moments pass as easy as they come.

Tonight, I thought about my husband and I missed him, and I felt sad, not because I missed him, but because I no longer had the urge to cry. I felt weird not being able to cry, I no longer had the suffocating ache in my heart when I think about him, I just miss him. It’s not that I want to keep crying every time I think about him, nor do I want the pain to remain in my heart. It’s just that when I do not feel the pain, I feel like my heart has gotten tougher in a way that I don’t want it to be. I do not want to get used to not having him around. I do not want to stop yearning for him, to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him. I do not want to stop wanting to be with him. And everyday that we are not together gets me used to not having him around, and I don’t want to get used to not having him around.

And it’s true, people will tell you, it will get easier, it will get better. The Time will come when you will no longer feel as sad as you feel during the first few weeks after he leaves. It’s true, all these things that they say will happen, but do you really want it to? Do you really want to teach you heart to get used to being apart? I don’t.

I want to keep missing him, I want to keep yearning for him. I want to continue to feel with my heart. I want to feel sad when I think about him, not because I want to be “emo” but because I don’t want to toughen my heart from this emotions, I want to miss him everyday because I want to be excited every moment I get the chance to be with him.

I remember when he was still in the Philippines with me. He would go to work every week day and I will be left at home. And every day during the times that he is due to arrive home, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from looking at the clock every minute, anticipating his arrival. I did this everyday for the whole 3 years that we lived together. I would get excited when I hear the jingle of his keys, every time I hear his heavy footsteps, I would smile at myself as soon as I hear the back door open. I missed him everyday when he went to work, and get excited everyday for him to come home to me. I don’t want that feeling to stop. I want to keep waiting for him, I want to keep getting excited.

Yes, after a while it gets easier to cope with the sadness. It gets easier to deal with the pain of being left behind. But I really don’t want it to get easier. Because when it gets easier, it also gets easier to forget.

All About me

If I may introduce myself - I am Elaine Buenaventura-Malonzo, I live in Las Pinas now, but my hometown is in Pasig both in the Philippines, My family (Noel-My Husband, Nike-Our Daughter and Myself) is planning on migrating to Singapore really really soon - like January, My husband is already there working, and I am going to follow him there in January 2011, then Nike will follow us there in July 2011. We will be trying to build a new life in a country full of possibilities and full of fruitful future.

I am married with a daughter, as you might already guessed. I love the color Old Rose (a grayish rendition of pink), I adore sun flowers, tulips and calla lilies. I am 26 years old and have been writing my entire life. I used to write poems while I was in elementary and highschool and started blogging around college. Some say I am a pretty good and convincing writer but I think anyone can be convincing and good as long as s/he writes about his or her interests and passion.

I graduated with a Commerce Degree in Management of Financial Institutions in De La Salle University - ID 100, 04 graduate (delayed 1 term :P ), but I do not practice my degree, instead I am a BUM, a full time mom lovingly taking care and raising my 3-year old daughter and 3 year old Lhasa Apso.

I am a passionate person, mentally, psychologically, and physically. I am a woman and I am not afraid to speak my mind. I have power and poise and I have strength and courage. I am a mother and a wife, a sister and a daughter but most of important of all I am a friend.

Thanks so much for dropping by and picking my brains, hope you can follow me, or just be a fan of my Facebook Fan Page - its just a click away :)

What else is there left for me to say about me…by reading all that I’ve written you could probably say a lot things about me…based on the pictures you could already see how I look like…You all know me…Inside and out…so what else is there left to say? Nothing I suppose…but then again there is always something…

Do you really know who I am? Do I really know who I am…well let me just put it this way…we all know each other…in one way or another…I am you…look inside your self and you will see that we are the same…we think that we have unique characteristics that differs us from one another but then again we feel the same, we act the same…we probably don’t know the same things and we might react differently in different situations…but at the end of the day, when you look at me and you look at yourself, you will say…Hey we are so different yet so much alike in so many ways…

So then…what makes me, me and what makes you, you? Nothing…Absolutely nothing!! The face? The smile? The look and the voice? Its nothing! They are all illusions that every one of us believes…We are blinded by the physical characteristics that we see hear and touch!! But that’s not what makes us…Now without that ask yourself…Who am I? Or who is this girl whose journal I’m reading? Can you now describe me differently with how you might describe yourself given the same situtation? We are toys of life and we are happy being one…we live each day knowing that we are being played by life and yet we accept it…because that’s all we can ever and we will ever have…we never strive for more than what life can offer us…we even call it unethical if we dream of such things…we call ourselves free and we love the freedom that we believe we have and yet we are imprisoned by ourselves in a life that we never even chose to live…And then sooner or later when you are drowning with the freedom that you thought you have you wonder, who am I? What makes me? And that’s when you realize…I’m no different than the person I’m talking to…we are both naïve and foolish to believe that we control all our actions and nothing is above us…we are both happy being just the way we are yet unsatisfied…we are both living each day as if we need to live…our actions are both a reaction from life and the way it runs as it always ran…we both think that nothing measures us and that life is with us and not against us…We both believe that there is a higher being that protects us…from what? We are the same because we both don’t know…we make mistakes…we probably do not make the same mistakes at the same time but we do make the same mistakes…and do we really learn from the…actually we both do not…and we both keep on doing the same things over and over again…everything about us is the same and we are both Life’s routine…And are we really happy knowing this…we actually are…we are even thankful that we are living this life and we preserve it any which way we can…But who am I really? Who are you? We still don’t know…we would never really know… But we are the same…I am you and you are me…in every way…