Hawks Eye

Being a mother, I realized a lot of different stages in raising my daughter. Today I realized something really good and relevant.

I remember when she was younger, every time we leave home to spend a day at a playground or at a place that Nike can mingle with other kids, I would usually tail her like a dog. Guiding her every step and making sure that no harm comes her way, thats what parents does, most especially mothers. We would like to make sure that our children are safe no matter where she goes, what she does and whom she plays with. We often feel defensive when our children get hurt or want to yell at those other kids who pushes our own, whether we admit it or not, this happens, we just often take control of our emotions and approach other children with caution and respect to their parents.

Today I realized that even though I tend to keep a watchful eye at Nike, I now have the peace of mind to leave her at the play area of McDonalds for a short while, while ordering food for us, this is something I never would have done when she was still a lot younger. Although while in line at the cashier I tend to look over my shoulder every minute to make sure that she is still there and that no one is giving her a hard time.

Then today, I sat to a table that’s a bit far from the play area, also something that I don’t usually do. I usually sit at the table nearest the slides so that I can make sure that no one can take her or push her or just so that she can see me every minute that she is playing. But I also realized that even though I tried to give her the chance to play on her own and be independent, as a mom, I cannot resist looking over wherever she is to make sure she is safe. I call out her name when it takes some time for me to have a glimpse of her. And even though I can see her from a distance and I was busy reading a magazine, I feel myself glancing towards the play area every few minutes to make sure she’s Ok. I felt like I was a hawk on a hunt for predators.

Maybe eventually I will learn to trust my daughters instinct and be more comfortable letting her play without my guidance or overseeing, but until that day I am here to make sure that no one can harm her. And maybe even when she turns 18 or even 30 I will still be continuing to look up and look for her just to make sure that everything is Okay.

She will always be my baby girl and nothing in the world can change that, it doesn’t matter how many birthdays come and go. I will always be her mother, a mother that wants only the best for her child.

A Better Mother

Ever since my husband, Noel, left to work in Singapore, I have changed. I used to be very attached to my daughter, Nike, and I was very playful. But after Noel left, I have been depressed for a while, I was not able to take very good care of Nike.

When Noel was still in the Philippines with me and Nike, she was used to receiving tons of attention from me and her dad, we’d go out for a short walk everyday and take pictures while we were out, it didn’t matter if there weren’t any occasion, I’d take tons of pictures of her and admire her. We would schedule a weekend play time for Nike either in Alabang Town Center or in Active Fun and I would be so excited to spend hours and hours of playtime with her and not get tired of her laughter. As hard as it is to admit, since Noel left, I have been absent, I no longer take Nike to a daily stroll or bike ride outside, I rarely take pictures of her, and I barely take notice of her even when she is just sitting beside me at home, not only did she lose the presence of her dad, but she also lost the attention of her mom. I drowned myself in the depressing thought that my husband isn’t here and that I am not happy. I forgot that my daughter is probably also very sad that her daddy is not here. Now when I look at her I realize my mistakes. The six months that it took me to realize what my depression is doing to may daughter, made her a completely different child. She is now more selfish and would not share her toys to anyone, I would often catch her picking a fight with her cousin Kian trying to take Kian’s toys from him and would cry so loud and hysterically when she does not get her way. She has also become hard headed and would not listen to anything I say, but the most difficult thing for me to realize is how much self confidence she lost in that six months. And I have no one else to blame but myself and my emotional absence.

Since I started to realize the emotional stress that I am causing my daughter, I slowly started trying to regain my emotional presence in her life. When I am working on my computer and she approaches me, I try make sure to take a time off to talk to her, hold her in my arms and ask her if she needs anything. I also re-started to teach her to recognize the alphabet and numbers. I have also started reading to her again every night. We are having slow progress as of the moment, but I am already seeing a huge difference in her, she is now a little more giving and instead of picking fights with her cousin, would just kiss him instead. We are still having a bit of trouble with her obedience, but we are definitely making progress. I have also seen a lot of changes in myself too, although they are bits of progress, I am less depressed now and more appreciative of her. I think I have also started to fall in love with her more again. I am committed to making this change in my life for the sake of my daughter, and I am hoping that this commitment will help me succeed in making myself and my daughter a better person in the months and even years to come.