Conversations

Just a few minutes ago I was talking to my daughter because she was constantly screaming at her yaya for no apparent reason. If this happened months ago, I would already be berserk with anger and would be screaming at Nike too, but something in me changed over the last month that made me realize I have been slipping into becoming a bad mother, so I changed my ways.

So today when Nike was being mean to her yaya, I went to her asked her to go inside our room, she was already expecting the worse and started crying, I closed the door sat down on the bed and asked her to sit down beside me. She bawled like there was no tomorrow, I wiped her tears and said calmly to her, Why are shouting at ate Nalen? Do you want Ate Nalen to leave? To this she replied, No, then why are you shouting at Ate Nalen, she tried explaining it to me by saying, “because butchi is going out the gate” (ofcourse her answer wasn’t in pure english - she’s only 3 and is raised in a bi-lingual environment) So I asked her, so if butchi was going out the gate why did you shout at ate Nalen? Do you want mommy to let her go home, do you want ate Nalen to leave us? Maybe Mommy should just let ate Nalen leave? then she cried again, she said No, I don’t want ate Nalen to leave. Then I explained to her, If you don’t want ate Nalen to leave then you should be good to ate Nalen, because if you don’t then she will leave us. Our conversation went longer because being a 3 year old kid, Nike had the tendency to repeat her questions over and over, so I answered her questions patiently and explained the situation to her over and over.

After our conversation, I left the room to grab a glass of water and I heard Nike leave the room and knock on her yaya’s door and she said “Ate Nalen, Sorry, Huwag ka aalis ha?” (translation: Ate Nalen, Sorry, don’t leave me ok?). I am so proud of my daughter for realizing the mistakes she made and so touched that she took the initiative to say sorry without me asking her to do so.

I also learned that by being calm, my daughter understands more of the consequences of her actions and tends to follow the emotions that I have as well. I guess Nike only learned to shout because I used to shout, and now that I have changed, I guess Nike will also change for the better.

A Better Mother

Ever since my husband, Noel, left to work in Singapore, I have changed. I used to be very attached to my daughter, Nike, and I was very playful. But after Noel left, I have been depressed for a while, I was not able to take very good care of Nike.

When Noel was still in the Philippines with me and Nike, she was used to receiving tons of attention from me and her dad, we’d go out for a short walk everyday and take pictures while we were out, it didn’t matter if there weren’t any occasion, I’d take tons of pictures of her and admire her. We would schedule a weekend play time for Nike either in Alabang Town Center or in Active Fun and I would be so excited to spend hours and hours of playtime with her and not get tired of her laughter. As hard as it is to admit, since Noel left, I have been absent, I no longer take Nike to a daily stroll or bike ride outside, I rarely take pictures of her, and I barely take notice of her even when she is just sitting beside me at home, not only did she lose the presence of her dad, but she also lost the attention of her mom. I drowned myself in the depressing thought that my husband isn’t here and that I am not happy. I forgot that my daughter is probably also very sad that her daddy is not here. Now when I look at her I realize my mistakes. The six months that it took me to realize what my depression is doing to may daughter, made her a completely different child. She is now more selfish and would not share her toys to anyone, I would often catch her picking a fight with her cousin Kian trying to take Kian’s toys from him and would cry so loud and hysterically when she does not get her way. She has also become hard headed and would not listen to anything I say, but the most difficult thing for me to realize is how much self confidence she lost in that six months. And I have no one else to blame but myself and my emotional absence.

Since I started to realize the emotional stress that I am causing my daughter, I slowly started trying to regain my emotional presence in her life. When I am working on my computer and she approaches me, I try make sure to take a time off to talk to her, hold her in my arms and ask her if she needs anything. I also re-started to teach her to recognize the alphabet and numbers. I have also started reading to her again every night. We are having slow progress as of the moment, but I am already seeing a huge difference in her, she is now a little more giving and instead of picking fights with her cousin, would just kiss him instead. We are still having a bit of trouble with her obedience, but we are definitely making progress. I have also seen a lot of changes in myself too, although they are bits of progress, I am less depressed now and more appreciative of her. I think I have also started to fall in love with her more again. I am committed to making this change in my life for the sake of my daughter, and I am hoping that this commitment will help me succeed in making myself and my daughter a better person in the months and even years to come.