Momentary Relapse

I have promised myself that I will become a better mother. And I have been doing a great job at it the past 2 weeks. I felt so proud of myself. But tonight I had a momentary relapse. I got so mad at my daughter tonight when she started crying while sleeping for no reason, at first I kept asking and asking her why, but she wouldn’t say a word, she didn’t ask for milk nor did she say she wanted to pee, she just cried and cried and I snapped, I got so mad I screamed at her, then I felt she wanted to pee and brought her to the restroom, when I was pulling her pyjamas down she peed on herself and I got more upset and screamed at her again. I feel so ashamed of myself because the last two weeks I was able to hold it together. There were no anger and more understanding, but tonight I just had to ruin it. I feel so bad but I know there will be moments that I wouldn’t be able to control myself, I am not perfect, but when I looked at her again after she fell asleep I felt so bad. I took her in my arms cradled her like a little baby and told her I am sorry, in my surprise she said “its ok mommy” then I told her I loved her and she said “I love you.” A tear fell from my eyes realizing how forgiving and loving my daughter is, I knew she didn’t deserve the outburst that I had, and I will make up for it. I just need to make sure things like that doesn’t happen again. I love my daughter and I know I mean the world to her, and I will not disappoint her. I have been making progress and I will not stop, I will not let this slip up stop me from pursuing my goal of becoming a better mom. Tomorrow is a new day to make it up to my daughter.

Image from: Behindmyblueeyes

A Better Mother

Ever since my husband, Noel, left to work in Singapore, I have changed. I used to be very attached to my daughter, Nike, and I was very playful. But after Noel left, I have been depressed for a while, I was not able to take very good care of Nike.

When Noel was still in the Philippines with me and Nike, she was used to receiving tons of attention from me and her dad, we’d go out for a short walk everyday and take pictures while we were out, it didn’t matter if there weren’t any occasion, I’d take tons of pictures of her and admire her. We would schedule a weekend play time for Nike either in Alabang Town Center or in Active Fun and I would be so excited to spend hours and hours of playtime with her and not get tired of her laughter. As hard as it is to admit, since Noel left, I have been absent, I no longer take Nike to a daily stroll or bike ride outside, I rarely take pictures of her, and I barely take notice of her even when she is just sitting beside me at home, not only did she lose the presence of her dad, but she also lost the attention of her mom. I drowned myself in the depressing thought that my husband isn’t here and that I am not happy. I forgot that my daughter is probably also very sad that her daddy is not here. Now when I look at her I realize my mistakes. The six months that it took me to realize what my depression is doing to may daughter, made her a completely different child. She is now more selfish and would not share her toys to anyone, I would often catch her picking a fight with her cousin Kian trying to take Kian’s toys from him and would cry so loud and hysterically when she does not get her way. She has also become hard headed and would not listen to anything I say, but the most difficult thing for me to realize is how much self confidence she lost in that six months. And I have no one else to blame but myself and my emotional absence.

Since I started to realize the emotional stress that I am causing my daughter, I slowly started trying to regain my emotional presence in her life. When I am working on my computer and she approaches me, I try make sure to take a time off to talk to her, hold her in my arms and ask her if she needs anything. I also re-started to teach her to recognize the alphabet and numbers. I have also started reading to her again every night. We are having slow progress as of the moment, but I am already seeing a huge difference in her, she is now a little more giving and instead of picking fights with her cousin, would just kiss him instead. We are still having a bit of trouble with her obedience, but we are definitely making progress. I have also seen a lot of changes in myself too, although they are bits of progress, I am less depressed now and more appreciative of her. I think I have also started to fall in love with her more again. I am committed to making this change in my life for the sake of my daughter, and I am hoping that this commitment will help me succeed in making myself and my daughter a better person in the months and even years to come.