Hawks Eye

Being a mother, I realized a lot of different stages in raising my daughter. Today I realized something really good and relevant.

I remember when she was younger, every time we leave home to spend a day at a playground or at a place that Nike can mingle with other kids, I would usually tail her like a dog. Guiding her every step and making sure that no harm comes her way, thats what parents does, most especially mothers. We would like to make sure that our children are safe no matter where she goes, what she does and whom she plays with. We often feel defensive when our children get hurt or want to yell at those other kids who pushes our own, whether we admit it or not, this happens, we just often take control of our emotions and approach other children with caution and respect to their parents.

Today I realized that even though I tend to keep a watchful eye at Nike, I now have the peace of mind to leave her at the play area of McDonalds for a short while, while ordering food for us, this is something I never would have done when she was still a lot younger. Although while in line at the cashier I tend to look over my shoulder every minute to make sure that she is still there and that no one is giving her a hard time.

Then today, I sat to a table that’s a bit far from the play area, also something that I don’t usually do. I usually sit at the table nearest the slides so that I can make sure that no one can take her or push her or just so that she can see me every minute that she is playing. But I also realized that even though I tried to give her the chance to play on her own and be independent, as a mom, I cannot resist looking over wherever she is to make sure she is safe. I call out her name when it takes some time for me to have a glimpse of her. And even though I can see her from a distance and I was busy reading a magazine, I feel myself glancing towards the play area every few minutes to make sure she’s Ok. I felt like I was a hawk on a hunt for predators.

Maybe eventually I will learn to trust my daughters instinct and be more comfortable letting her play without my guidance or overseeing, but until that day I am here to make sure that no one can harm her. And maybe even when she turns 18 or even 30 I will still be continuing to look up and look for her just to make sure that everything is Okay.

She will always be my baby girl and nothing in the world can change that, it doesn’t matter how many birthdays come and go. I will always be her mother, a mother that wants only the best for her child.

Wanting

Since we were young, we have wanted a lot of things, and we often go out of our way just to get the things we want. I realized, taking a good look in my life, we can go on and on about wanting things and never getting them and it doesn’t really matter. There will come a point in a persons life that all the things you want and will ever want will be so mediocre to the things we need. So we need to differentiate things if we just want them or need them.

I was looking at my daughters beautiful face during dinner tonight, and for the first time in so many months I really saw her. I looked at the sparkle in her big questioning eyes, the innocence of her smile, the button of her nose and the quirkiness of her every gesture, I looked at her and appreciated everything that I see, that’s when I realized I do not just want to give her a better life, I needed to give her a better life.

That’s when I started getting sad, because apart from taking in her beauty, I realized because I felt the need to provide her a better life I will have to leave her on January for six whole months to find work and Singapore and establish a life there in preparation for her arrival there. And I thought, can I do it? Can I leave her here? Do I have the strength to walk away from her when its time for me to go? Thinking about all these things choked me up with tears.

I have always spoken to my husband about us needing to take this step, and that it will only be six months and we will be together again forever. But when I looked at my daughter tonight I wondered how I will be able to take the actual first step-walking away from her, how it will be like every night for six months without touching her, without kissing her, sleeping without her by my side. I think it will not be so hard for her because she is young, she might not even remember being left alone for a few months, and that’s where I pull my strength from. But I remembered that’s the future, she will not remember it ever happened in the future, I forgot to think about how painful it will be for her, in the present. I forgot that even though I feel the need to provide for her, she has needs of her own.

She needs me, she needs her mom and her dad. She wouldn’t understand the meaning of needing and wanting for a long time and it would hurt her wanting to have me and I will not be there. Anyone can do what I do for her, anyone can give her baths, or wipe her sweat, anyone can make her blow her nose on a handkerchief, or tie her hair, anyone can sleep beside her at night or hug and kiss her, but she will want me to do it, she will want her mommy to kiss her knees when she falls down, she will want me to brush her hair after taking a bath, she will want me to do things for her that she is used to having me do for her and I would not be here, and it would hurt her. And I am hurting just thinking about the hurt that our need to provide for her will cause her.

How do I explain to a little girl how important what I am going to do is for her, when right now all she really knows is that spongebob is yellow and patrick star is pink, when all she understands is that mommy is here and daddy is in Singapore. How do I take that step knowing that I will hurt her, knowing that she will cry for how many nights because mommy is not there to kiss her goodnight, and mommy will not be greeting her every morning for a whole six months.

I am torn between needing to provide a better life for her and wanting to stay so that she wouldn’t hurt. It should be an easy decision to make, I need to do this, it is not permanent, we will be together again after six months, but that is the future, what about the sadness now?

A New Adventure

Yesterday My Sister (Tiggy), her son (Kian), My Daughter (Nike) and I went to Eastwood to celebrate the weekend. This is something both my sister and I thought would be something necessary to do for our children, so that they have something to look forward to every week. Last weekend we all went to Robinsons Galleria to Celebrate Kians 3rd Birthday. We ate at Burgoo and enjoyed a whole afternoon in Tom’s World where the children had so much fun riding the Ferris Wheel and Nike had a go at the crazy bus. It was all new for all of us, we usually just go to fun ranch - active fun and let the kids play with slides and balls. But we decided we wanted something different to try every week. And we did.

Yesterday all 4 of us went to Eastwood to celebrate yet another weekend. My sister and I decided we will enroll them to Gymboree Play and Music. We both had 5 free 1 hour play stubs along with our enrollment and yesterday my sister and I used 1 each to let our children enjoy the play gym. It was a smaller place compared to Active fun, smaller slides and no pool balls, I thought Nike might get bored with the place, but lo and behold she loved it even more than she loved active fun, which is saying a lot, because she loved active fun to bits!

They had mattresses everywhere where babies from as young as 6 months can play, though they have an age limit, only children aged 5 years and below can play. I like the set-up this way no bigger kids who plays more rowdily and dangerously can harm the babies who are just learning to walk and the little kids who can barely stand up straight.

They had balls that children can play with, and these soft contraptions where I can play hide and seek with my daughter. There are a few small slides that little children will not get scared of riding, they also have 1 rocking horse, a wooden monkey bar and a wooden 2 way swing that up to 4 children can ride. They have inflatable Donut shaped things that children can hide in, or parents and guardians can lie on.

The ambiance is really great, its colorful and well lighted, well ventilated, and its light to the eyes. It really was a very charming place, and my daughter and my nephew loved it there. I even had a short conversation with my daughter on the ride home from Eastwood:

Me: Nike did you have fun?

Nike: Yes!

Me: Did you love Gymboree?

Nike: Yes!

Me: What do you love more, Gymboree or FunRanch? (I purposely ended the question with Fun Ranch because I did not want Nike’s answer to be influenced by what I said last - kids tend to just repeat the last thing they hear.)

Nike: ummm… GYMBOREE!!!!

And from that short conversation, I realized that I did make the right decision of having her enrolled in Gymboree for a month long class in July. So we will see more of Eastwoods - Gymboree really really soon.

A Better Mother

Ever since my husband, Noel, left to work in Singapore, I have changed. I used to be very attached to my daughter, Nike, and I was very playful. But after Noel left, I have been depressed for a while, I was not able to take very good care of Nike.

When Noel was still in the Philippines with me and Nike, she was used to receiving tons of attention from me and her dad, we’d go out for a short walk everyday and take pictures while we were out, it didn’t matter if there weren’t any occasion, I’d take tons of pictures of her and admire her. We would schedule a weekend play time for Nike either in Alabang Town Center or in Active Fun and I would be so excited to spend hours and hours of playtime with her and not get tired of her laughter. As hard as it is to admit, since Noel left, I have been absent, I no longer take Nike to a daily stroll or bike ride outside, I rarely take pictures of her, and I barely take notice of her even when she is just sitting beside me at home, not only did she lose the presence of her dad, but she also lost the attention of her mom. I drowned myself in the depressing thought that my husband isn’t here and that I am not happy. I forgot that my daughter is probably also very sad that her daddy is not here. Now when I look at her I realize my mistakes. The six months that it took me to realize what my depression is doing to may daughter, made her a completely different child. She is now more selfish and would not share her toys to anyone, I would often catch her picking a fight with her cousin Kian trying to take Kian’s toys from him and would cry so loud and hysterically when she does not get her way. She has also become hard headed and would not listen to anything I say, but the most difficult thing for me to realize is how much self confidence she lost in that six months. And I have no one else to blame but myself and my emotional absence.

Since I started to realize the emotional stress that I am causing my daughter, I slowly started trying to regain my emotional presence in her life. When I am working on my computer and she approaches me, I try make sure to take a time off to talk to her, hold her in my arms and ask her if she needs anything. I also re-started to teach her to recognize the alphabet and numbers. I have also started reading to her again every night. We are having slow progress as of the moment, but I am already seeing a huge difference in her, she is now a little more giving and instead of picking fights with her cousin, would just kiss him instead. We are still having a bit of trouble with her obedience, but we are definitely making progress. I have also seen a lot of changes in myself too, although they are bits of progress, I am less depressed now and more appreciative of her. I think I have also started to fall in love with her more again. I am committed to making this change in my life for the sake of my daughter, and I am hoping that this commitment will help me succeed in making myself and my daughter a better person in the months and even years to come.

The Best Date with my Daughter

Today was a great day! It was spent with my daughter. And it was the greatest day we have ever spent together since daddy left for Singapore. After lunch I had a scheduled pick up of the Gift Certificate that I won from Belle De Jour’s Contest - it was a 2500 Gift Certificate from Browhaus, which I plan to claim some time next week. Nike and I got ready to leave the house at around 1:30 PM - I prepared my map because I had no idea where I was going, and since Noel wasn’t around I won’t have my usual suspect who will help me go around the city with a map. The pick up point is at the Viviamo office in A. Mabini St. Addition Hills San Juan, I had my landmarks printed on my mind and was ready for the battle of searching for a place unknown. I arrived Mabini Street with no problems, but the difficulty arose when I realized the Buildings had no names and some of them doesn’t have numbers. As I looked at the right side of the street there is a newly constructed building that made me feel like that was it, but drove past it. The next thing I knew I was looking at a house numbered 186, when I was supposed to be looking for A building numbered 166. Yup! I passed it! and the problem was, Mabini street is a one way street. So I turned right on a street named recto and just followed my guts on where to turn right next, before I knew it I was back in Mabini street and was in front of the same building that I felt was where I was supposed to be, and I was right! I claimed the Gift Certificate and went on our way to eastwood, or atleast I thought we were. Since I only looked for directions on how to get to the Viviamo office, I didn’t realize I can’t back track the road. So I went with the flow of traffic - and no longer than 10 minutes later, we were lost inside addition hills LOL the funniest experience ever. Although I knew I was already lost, I just kept driving, and kept my cool, I stayed level-headed and just thought that if I keep on driving, I’m bound to see a road that I am familiar with and viola 30 minutes later we were still lost, I just kept choosing a car to follow and after 15 more minutes I found my way back to shaw boulevard and was on our way to Eastwood.

We arrived Eastwood around 4:00 PM bought our tickets to watch Toy Story 3 in 3D and had 50 minutes to kill before we can enter the theater, so we just went to fully booked and read a few children’s story books. Around 4:30 we went to the concession stand and got our free popcorn and drinks and went inside the theater.

This is the most memorable movie for me in so many ways. First because it was the first 3D movie that I have ever seen, Second it was the first movie that my daughter and I watched alone together and Third this is the only time I allowed my daughter to Pee on my hands. Yup you read right! haha, what happened was when there were only around 5 minutes left in the movie Nike suddenly said that she had to really really pee, I asked her to hold her bladder for a short while but she seemed like she really needed to pee, so I decided I didn’t want to miss any movie scenes so I pulled down her skirt and undies, placed my hand just the right place and angle so her pee would drip on my hand and drip on the cup I was holding to catch her pee. It may seem a bit yucky but luckily I had alcohol and baby wipes ready so I was able to clean my hands after.

All in all it was a fun, interesting and memorable day spent with the love of my life. :)