My Hearts Plea

I used to love writing simple poetry when I was younger, but I stopped sometime long ago, today I wanted to try to write again, because as I was looking around my house, I felt sad, I was filled with memories of my husband being here sharing everything with me and I miss him, and as I was looking, I thought of a good start to a poem, Now I want to see If I can finish.

So here is my attempt to a new simple poetry I dedicate to my husband.

Title: My Hearts Plea
Written by: Elaine Malonzo 

(image from: RayArray of deviantart)

What can I do when all I can do is cry
I want to be happy but all i can do is try
What can I say when all that I can think of is sigh
I need to be happy I want my heart to fly.

I look around the empty rooms filled with memories
i feel you here though you are not and all I have are these
lonely nights without you by my side
empty days and lonely moments I try to hide.

I miss you so, how much I can’t explain
when I think of you I feel my heart in pain
I hope all these sadness will come to pass
When I can finally say, “ah, here you are atlast”

I cannot wait forever can’t you see
I am dying inside without you here with me
but what can I do when all I can do is wait
for your return, but please don’t come so late.

and so I say maybe tomorrow will be the day
when you will be coming back my way
So I will wait until the waitings done
for that moment that we again will be one.

I hope you guys like it, If you would like to share it to others, please give credit to this blog :)

and if you have time, please let me know what your thoughts are of my simple poetry?

Conversations

Just a few minutes ago I was talking to my daughter because she was constantly screaming at her yaya for no apparent reason. If this happened months ago, I would already be berserk with anger and would be screaming at Nike too, but something in me changed over the last month that made me realize I have been slipping into becoming a bad mother, so I changed my ways.

So today when Nike was being mean to her yaya, I went to her asked her to go inside our room, she was already expecting the worse and started crying, I closed the door sat down on the bed and asked her to sit down beside me. She bawled like there was no tomorrow, I wiped her tears and said calmly to her, Why are shouting at ate Nalen? Do you want Ate Nalen to leave? To this she replied, No, then why are you shouting at Ate Nalen, she tried explaining it to me by saying, “because butchi is going out the gate” (ofcourse her answer wasn’t in pure english - she’s only 3 and is raised in a bi-lingual environment) So I asked her, so if butchi was going out the gate why did you shout at ate Nalen? Do you want mommy to let her go home, do you want ate Nalen to leave us? Maybe Mommy should just let ate Nalen leave? then she cried again, she said No, I don’t want ate Nalen to leave. Then I explained to her, If you don’t want ate Nalen to leave then you should be good to ate Nalen, because if you don’t then she will leave us. Our conversation went longer because being a 3 year old kid, Nike had the tendency to repeat her questions over and over, so I answered her questions patiently and explained the situation to her over and over.

After our conversation, I left the room to grab a glass of water and I heard Nike leave the room and knock on her yaya’s door and she said “Ate Nalen, Sorry, Huwag ka aalis ha?” (translation: Ate Nalen, Sorry, don’t leave me ok?). I am so proud of my daughter for realizing the mistakes she made and so touched that she took the initiative to say sorry without me asking her to do so.

I also learned that by being calm, my daughter understands more of the consequences of her actions and tends to follow the emotions that I have as well. I guess Nike only learned to shout because I used to shout, and now that I have changed, I guess Nike will also change for the better.

A New Adventure

Yesterday My Sister (Tiggy), her son (Kian), My Daughter (Nike) and I went to Eastwood to celebrate the weekend. This is something both my sister and I thought would be something necessary to do for our children, so that they have something to look forward to every week. Last weekend we all went to Robinsons Galleria to Celebrate Kians 3rd Birthday. We ate at Burgoo and enjoyed a whole afternoon in Tom’s World where the children had so much fun riding the Ferris Wheel and Nike had a go at the crazy bus. It was all new for all of us, we usually just go to fun ranch - active fun and let the kids play with slides and balls. But we decided we wanted something different to try every week. And we did.

Yesterday all 4 of us went to Eastwood to celebrate yet another weekend. My sister and I decided we will enroll them to Gymboree Play and Music. We both had 5 free 1 hour play stubs along with our enrollment and yesterday my sister and I used 1 each to let our children enjoy the play gym. It was a smaller place compared to Active fun, smaller slides and no pool balls, I thought Nike might get bored with the place, but lo and behold she loved it even more than she loved active fun, which is saying a lot, because she loved active fun to bits!

They had mattresses everywhere where babies from as young as 6 months can play, though they have an age limit, only children aged 5 years and below can play. I like the set-up this way no bigger kids who plays more rowdily and dangerously can harm the babies who are just learning to walk and the little kids who can barely stand up straight.

They had balls that children can play with, and these soft contraptions where I can play hide and seek with my daughter. There are a few small slides that little children will not get scared of riding, they also have 1 rocking horse, a wooden monkey bar and a wooden 2 way swing that up to 4 children can ride. They have inflatable Donut shaped things that children can hide in, or parents and guardians can lie on.

The ambiance is really great, its colorful and well lighted, well ventilated, and its light to the eyes. It really was a very charming place, and my daughter and my nephew loved it there. I even had a short conversation with my daughter on the ride home from Eastwood:

Me: Nike did you have fun?

Nike: Yes!

Me: Did you love Gymboree?

Nike: Yes!

Me: What do you love more, Gymboree or FunRanch? (I purposely ended the question with Fun Ranch because I did not want Nike’s answer to be influenced by what I said last - kids tend to just repeat the last thing they hear.)

Nike: ummm… GYMBOREE!!!!

And from that short conversation, I realized that I did make the right decision of having her enrolled in Gymboree for a month long class in July. So we will see more of Eastwoods - Gymboree really really soon.

A Better Mother

Ever since my husband, Noel, left to work in Singapore, I have changed. I used to be very attached to my daughter, Nike, and I was very playful. But after Noel left, I have been depressed for a while, I was not able to take very good care of Nike.

When Noel was still in the Philippines with me and Nike, she was used to receiving tons of attention from me and her dad, we’d go out for a short walk everyday and take pictures while we were out, it didn’t matter if there weren’t any occasion, I’d take tons of pictures of her and admire her. We would schedule a weekend play time for Nike either in Alabang Town Center or in Active Fun and I would be so excited to spend hours and hours of playtime with her and not get tired of her laughter. As hard as it is to admit, since Noel left, I have been absent, I no longer take Nike to a daily stroll or bike ride outside, I rarely take pictures of her, and I barely take notice of her even when she is just sitting beside me at home, not only did she lose the presence of her dad, but she also lost the attention of her mom. I drowned myself in the depressing thought that my husband isn’t here and that I am not happy. I forgot that my daughter is probably also very sad that her daddy is not here. Now when I look at her I realize my mistakes. The six months that it took me to realize what my depression is doing to may daughter, made her a completely different child. She is now more selfish and would not share her toys to anyone, I would often catch her picking a fight with her cousin Kian trying to take Kian’s toys from him and would cry so loud and hysterically when she does not get her way. She has also become hard headed and would not listen to anything I say, but the most difficult thing for me to realize is how much self confidence she lost in that six months. And I have no one else to blame but myself and my emotional absence.

Since I started to realize the emotional stress that I am causing my daughter, I slowly started trying to regain my emotional presence in her life. When I am working on my computer and she approaches me, I try make sure to take a time off to talk to her, hold her in my arms and ask her if she needs anything. I also re-started to teach her to recognize the alphabet and numbers. I have also started reading to her again every night. We are having slow progress as of the moment, but I am already seeing a huge difference in her, she is now a little more giving and instead of picking fights with her cousin, would just kiss him instead. We are still having a bit of trouble with her obedience, but we are definitely making progress. I have also seen a lot of changes in myself too, although they are bits of progress, I am less depressed now and more appreciative of her. I think I have also started to fall in love with her more again. I am committed to making this change in my life for the sake of my daughter, and I am hoping that this commitment will help me succeed in making myself and my daughter a better person in the months and even years to come.

The Best Date with my Daughter

Today was a great day! It was spent with my daughter. And it was the greatest day we have ever spent together since daddy left for Singapore. After lunch I had a scheduled pick up of the Gift Certificate that I won from Belle De Jour’s Contest - it was a 2500 Gift Certificate from Browhaus, which I plan to claim some time next week. Nike and I got ready to leave the house at around 1:30 PM - I prepared my map because I had no idea where I was going, and since Noel wasn’t around I won’t have my usual suspect who will help me go around the city with a map. The pick up point is at the Viviamo office in A. Mabini St. Addition Hills San Juan, I had my landmarks printed on my mind and was ready for the battle of searching for a place unknown. I arrived Mabini Street with no problems, but the difficulty arose when I realized the Buildings had no names and some of them doesn’t have numbers. As I looked at the right side of the street there is a newly constructed building that made me feel like that was it, but drove past it. The next thing I knew I was looking at a house numbered 186, when I was supposed to be looking for A building numbered 166. Yup! I passed it! and the problem was, Mabini street is a one way street. So I turned right on a street named recto and just followed my guts on where to turn right next, before I knew it I was back in Mabini street and was in front of the same building that I felt was where I was supposed to be, and I was right! I claimed the Gift Certificate and went on our way to eastwood, or atleast I thought we were. Since I only looked for directions on how to get to the Viviamo office, I didn’t realize I can’t back track the road. So I went with the flow of traffic - and no longer than 10 minutes later, we were lost inside addition hills LOL the funniest experience ever. Although I knew I was already lost, I just kept driving, and kept my cool, I stayed level-headed and just thought that if I keep on driving, I’m bound to see a road that I am familiar with and viola 30 minutes later we were still lost, I just kept choosing a car to follow and after 15 more minutes I found my way back to shaw boulevard and was on our way to Eastwood.

We arrived Eastwood around 4:00 PM bought our tickets to watch Toy Story 3 in 3D and had 50 minutes to kill before we can enter the theater, so we just went to fully booked and read a few children’s story books. Around 4:30 we went to the concession stand and got our free popcorn and drinks and went inside the theater.

This is the most memorable movie for me in so many ways. First because it was the first 3D movie that I have ever seen, Second it was the first movie that my daughter and I watched alone together and Third this is the only time I allowed my daughter to Pee on my hands. Yup you read right! haha, what happened was when there were only around 5 minutes left in the movie Nike suddenly said that she had to really really pee, I asked her to hold her bladder for a short while but she seemed like she really needed to pee, so I decided I didn’t want to miss any movie scenes so I pulled down her skirt and undies, placed my hand just the right place and angle so her pee would drip on my hand and drip on the cup I was holding to catch her pee. It may seem a bit yucky but luckily I had alcohol and baby wipes ready so I was able to clean my hands after.

All in all it was a fun, interesting and memorable day spent with the love of my life. :)

Imprenta

Today I accompanied my dad to the Doctor at Mission Hospital, for his follow-up. Everything was looking better and I am really happy. Then afterwards we went to grab something to eat and went to the grocery to buy some supplies. Just when I thought we were heading home, my dad said he wanted to go to imprenta (our printing press business office) to check on the work that he is having done for a client. So we went. Everything seemed the same on the outside. My Grandmothers house still looked almost the same as it looked when I was growing up — when my Grand mother was still alive. There are still a number of cars parked in the garage and everything seemed fine. As I stepped out of the car and walked slowly with my dad to the office, that’s when it hit me. Loneliness.

That office used to be filled with busy people, all sorts of machinery noises could be heard when it was still within business hours. You will barely hear the voices of people talking as it is being drowned out of the noisy machines that are busy at work. But today, today was so different. The old office wallpapers was already torn and decaying, the tables seem so old and lonely, it looked so run down. The only thing left that still has not changed was the portrait of my grand mother and grand father still hanging on the wall. The printing area was empty, and sad. When I was younger I remember going to that place and seeing a good number of people busy with paper collation, printing, stapling and gluing, but today, I barely saw a soul at work. The room that was previously filled with heavy machines and happily working people has become nothing but a memory, today the place is almost empty, the machines have been sold, only two people were left inside to work on the now dwindling number of work that is left for them to do. Only one machine was working and the noise it made just made me flinch.

I looked at my dad and felt a twinge in my heart. If what happened to this place could make me feel this bad, I can’t imagine how horrible my dad could be feeling every time he steps foot in that place. That is after all the home he knew, the place he grew up. The place he made all of his memories.

It is right that changes are inevitable, but when the change is as bad as this one, the only thought left on our minds is the hope that it could’ve stayed the same. So that we can hold on to the happy memories forever.