It Gets Easier

As the days roll into weeks and the weeks roll into months, I realize one thing - the distance between my husband and myself gets easier to deal with. When I think about him, when I miss him, I no longer cry like I used to. When I remember things that we used to do, it doesn’t make me want to just sit in corner and mope, instead I learned how to appreciate the things we used to do and smile when I remember. Yes there are moments that I feel hollow and empty inside and there are moments that I feel like I want to hold his hands, touch his face or play with his hair, but those moments pass as easy as they come.

Tonight, I thought about my husband and I missed him, and I felt sad, not because I missed him, but because I no longer had the urge to cry. I felt weird not being able to cry, I no longer had the suffocating ache in my heart when I think about him, I just miss him. It’s not that I want to keep crying every time I think about him, nor do I want the pain to remain in my heart. It’s just that when I do not feel the pain, I feel like my heart has gotten tougher in a way that I don’t want it to be. I do not want to get used to not having him around. I do not want to stop yearning for him, to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him. I do not want to stop wanting to be with him. And everyday that we are not together gets me used to not having him around, and I don’t want to get used to not having him around.

And it’s true, people will tell you, it will get easier, it will get better. The Time will come when you will no longer feel as sad as you feel during the first few weeks after he leaves. It’s true, all these things that they say will happen, but do you really want it to? Do you really want to teach you heart to get used to being apart? I don’t.

I want to keep missing him, I want to keep yearning for him. I want to continue to feel with my heart. I want to feel sad when I think about him, not because I want to be “emo” but because I don’t want to toughen my heart from this emotions, I want to miss him everyday because I want to be excited every moment I get the chance to be with him.

I remember when he was still in the Philippines with me. He would go to work every week day and I will be left at home. And every day during the times that he is due to arrive home, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from looking at the clock every minute, anticipating his arrival. I did this everyday for the whole 3 years that we lived together. I would get excited when I hear the jingle of his keys, every time I hear his heavy footsteps, I would smile at myself as soon as I hear the back door open. I missed him everyday when he went to work, and get excited everyday for him to come home to me. I don’t want that feeling to stop. I want to keep waiting for him, I want to keep getting excited.

Yes, after a while it gets easier to cope with the sadness. It gets easier to deal with the pain of being left behind. But I really don’t want it to get easier. Because when it gets easier, it also gets easier to forget.

Fightful Dream

Why is it that when I dream about my husband, I always dream about him and me fighting. Out of all the dreams I had of him, when he was still living with me and now that he isn’t, I always dream of him and me fighting over something, its very rare for me to dream about him and me happy, it only happened twice or thrice in the whole 5 years that we have been together / known each other.

It usually was about him being or flirting with other girls. But its irritating that every time I get the chance to be with him, even just in my dreams, we are never intimate or just happy. But tonight my dream is especially irritating because I dreamt that he already came home for vacation from Singapore. It started out great, no girls, I dreamt about him, Nike and myself. But all of a sudden everything turned sour. He got mad at me for being a Bad Mother and a Bad wife because I wasn’t spending time with him and our daughter. While most of the time in that dream I have been running around looking for them. I can never seem to catch them. And the only time I was able to catch up with them was when he was already very upset and want nothing to do with me.

Why is it that I always end up crying or hurt when I dream about my husband? Is it my fear of losing him? Or is it because our relationship is so perfect that my brain is creating these stories just to spice things up, not that our marriage is not spicy because it definitely is. What is it with Noel in my dreams?

My Hearts Plea

I used to love writing simple poetry when I was younger, but I stopped sometime long ago, today I wanted to try to write again, because as I was looking around my house, I felt sad, I was filled with memories of my husband being here sharing everything with me and I miss him, and as I was looking, I thought of a good start to a poem, Now I want to see If I can finish.

So here is my attempt to a new simple poetry I dedicate to my husband.

Title: My Hearts Plea
Written by: Elaine Malonzo 

(image from: RayArray of deviantart)

What can I do when all I can do is cry
I want to be happy but all i can do is try
What can I say when all that I can think of is sigh
I need to be happy I want my heart to fly.

I look around the empty rooms filled with memories
i feel you here though you are not and all I have are these
lonely nights without you by my side
empty days and lonely moments I try to hide.

I miss you so, how much I can’t explain
when I think of you I feel my heart in pain
I hope all these sadness will come to pass
When I can finally say, “ah, here you are atlast”

I cannot wait forever can’t you see
I am dying inside without you here with me
but what can I do when all I can do is wait
for your return, but please don’t come so late.

and so I say maybe tomorrow will be the day
when you will be coming back my way
So I will wait until the waitings done
for that moment that we again will be one.

I hope you guys like it, If you would like to share it to others, please give credit to this blog :)

and if you have time, please let me know what your thoughts are of my simple poetry?

Midnight Murmurs on My Mind

I am watching Meet Joe black, and suddenly I caught a glimpse of my wedding pictures via our multiply site where I created this slide show of my self made lay-out of our wedding pictures and I got so sad I wanted to write a letter to my husband.

So here goes.

Dear Daddy,

My Head Hurts, I am sleepy and tired, but the worst part of my day is that I am sad. I wasn’t sad after we talked, but a sudden rush of sadness swept through me when I saw your smiling face on our wedding pictures. And I felt like no matter how much we try to grow together and how much we talk to each other everyday, the distance that we have this past few months is putting a strain on us, on our growth as a couple, on our growth as family. And realizing that makes me sad. It’s not that we are growing apart, but we are not growing together.

I used to know and see your every smile, but now its like we can only share these moments through words and its hard. It gets harder everyday, because no matter how much I try to recover, I sink deeper and deeper into this sad hole just looking at what used to be ours. I want it back, I want you back, I want to grow older everyday WITH you, and not just talking about growing older with you everyday.

God knows how much I miss you, I hope you miss me too.

Love Forever,
Elaine

I guess I’m just being a bit sentimental, yet again. This usually happens to me when I have some beer in my system. Beer tend to have this effect on me, so maybe I should really just start drinking wine, because wine gets me in a happy mood, a happy sleepy mood. Yes, I guess I’ll get myself a glass of wine, forget this silly loneliness and hop to bed. Goodnight Guys! Cheers!