It Gets Easier

As the days roll into weeks and the weeks roll into months, I realize one thing - the distance between my husband and myself gets easier to deal with. When I think about him, when I miss him, I no longer cry like I used to. When I remember things that we used to do, it doesn’t make me want to just sit in corner and mope, instead I learned how to appreciate the things we used to do and smile when I remember. Yes there are moments that I feel hollow and empty inside and there are moments that I feel like I want to hold his hands, touch his face or play with his hair, but those moments pass as easy as they come.

Tonight, I thought about my husband and I missed him, and I felt sad, not because I missed him, but because I no longer had the urge to cry. I felt weird not being able to cry, I no longer had the suffocating ache in my heart when I think about him, I just miss him. It’s not that I want to keep crying every time I think about him, nor do I want the pain to remain in my heart. It’s just that when I do not feel the pain, I feel like my heart has gotten tougher in a way that I don’t want it to be. I do not want to get used to not having him around. I do not want to stop yearning for him, to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him. I do not want to stop wanting to be with him. And everyday that we are not together gets me used to not having him around, and I don’t want to get used to not having him around.

And it’s true, people will tell you, it will get easier, it will get better. The Time will come when you will no longer feel as sad as you feel during the first few weeks after he leaves. It’s true, all these things that they say will happen, but do you really want it to? Do you really want to teach you heart to get used to being apart? I don’t.

I want to keep missing him, I want to keep yearning for him. I want to continue to feel with my heart. I want to feel sad when I think about him, not because I want to be “emo” but because I don’t want to toughen my heart from this emotions, I want to miss him everyday because I want to be excited every moment I get the chance to be with him.

I remember when he was still in the Philippines with me. He would go to work every week day and I will be left at home. And every day during the times that he is due to arrive home, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from looking at the clock every minute, anticipating his arrival. I did this everyday for the whole 3 years that we lived together. I would get excited when I hear the jingle of his keys, every time I hear his heavy footsteps, I would smile at myself as soon as I hear the back door open. I missed him everyday when he went to work, and get excited everyday for him to come home to me. I don’t want that feeling to stop. I want to keep waiting for him, I want to keep getting excited.

Yes, after a while it gets easier to cope with the sadness. It gets easier to deal with the pain of being left behind. But I really don’t want it to get easier. Because when it gets easier, it also gets easier to forget.