Extreme Sadness and Anger

I was on the second floor of some building, waiting for Noel, just patiently waiting. It was like a video that I’m watching. I saw him arrive on a van with my mom. My Mom stepped off the van, and Noel, who was driving the van did too. He took of his windbreaker and he jumped back in the car, but this time he sat on the front passenger seat. Kharen, an old highschool friend, sat in the drivers seat. That’s when it all happened. I felt uncomfortable and uneasy, and then, the car started at such speed that I knew that it was going to crash. And after a blink of an eye the van was ransacked and Noel was inside. I couldn’t move, all I could do was stare, I was so afraid of what I would find out. I stayed glued to the floor, waiting, patiently waiting for Noel to emerge from the wreckage.

(PHOTO FROM: orankutanki - DEVIANTART.COM)

Suddenly a movement, I saw a hand reach out from under the cars debris. Then the worst news arrived, my sister, shocked from all the events, and panting from running up a flight of stairs told me, “He is dead, he didn’t survive, Noel is dead”. My world crumbled like I’ve never felt it crumble before. I was filled with so much sadness and so much anger that I just needed, I wanted to kill someone.

I ran, I ran as fast as I could towards the wreck, not to see my husband but to run toward Kharen, the person responsible for my husbands death. I ran towards her and I wanted to kill her, I will kill her, I will choke her to death when I reach her. She saw me coming and ran, she ran for her life. I keep running and running towards her and just when she was within my reach she got away. I stopped running and cried.

I was inside a car, on the way to a vacation house with my sister, my family and my high school friends. I can control the weather, I envisioned small whirlwinds forming right next to my friends’ car and there they were. I will have my revenge. I formed 5 small whirlwinds that followed the car to wherever we were going. I had it hide somewhere a bit, before I destroy Kharen.

(PHOTO FROM: kibasuki)

We got to our destination and Nike was there climbing the stairs, I hurried toward her, held her hand and I cried. I thought of Noel. I missed him, I was ballistic and extremely sad. I came closer to Kharen and with all the hate in the world I told her “I HATE YOU.” Then I woke up. It was all a dream, a very bad dream.

Usually our dreams are our ways of expressing our pent up emotions and the small things you see through out the day that you take for granted. For example, I dreamt about Kharen because I know I saw her picture yesterday in facebook, and that image was pushed farther back from my consciousness, Noel was there, well, because I always miss him and I try to push that emotion back so that I would not feel sad. The emotions anger and sadness are usually hand in hand. I got a bit sad yesterday because of a particular event that I have been hoping for that did not happen. So when I fell asleep my brain created this whole story that incorporated the emotions and things that I saw that I try to set aside. Its my body’s way of releasing what is killing me inside.

all in all I am glad that it was just a dream, it felt good to wake up and see my daughters smiling face. But what will I dream about tomorrow?