Drunk and Depressed

Wow I never thought there will come a time that I would call myself Double Ds! But this is not a positive Double D. My D-D means Drunk and depressed. Actually I almost always only allow myself to self pity and become depressed when I am drunk and tonight I drank 5 Bottles of beer and 5 refills of 400 Ounces of Cosmopolitan Cocktails so this night would pass as me being drunk… and Depressed.

Its only during these times that I allow myself to feel sad about my husband being too far. And these are the only moments I allow myself to reminisce about the moments I miss when we were together.

Like for instance right now, I cannot stop thinking about the moments we were at the mall together taking our daughter out to enjoy the arcade. I also cannot stop thinking about our first studio pictorial as a family. There are so many moments that seemed so irrelevant before when he was still that I miss so much now that he is not, like him driving me and our daughter to the mall after he gets home from work so we can unwind, dine and give our daughter a chance to play at a small play gym in SM Megamall.

I miss holding his hand when we walk around the mall, I miss the way he chases his daughter around the mall when Nike strays away. I miss the way he looks as he drives our car on the way to ATC so Nike can ride her favorite carousel. I miss the way he steps inside the room and greets us with his ever so loving smile when he comes home from work. I miss every moment with him, and its only these times (when I have alcohol in my body) when I truly let my guard down and let myself feel the sadness and during these times I drown in all the sadness and I allow myself to cry.

I miss what I used to have with my husband, and I am scared I could never have them back.